Hussein issues ultimatum to US

President Hussein of the Republic of Iraq has issued a strong statement outlining the Iraqi response if America fails to cooperate fully with a new UN resolution.


In the statement the Iraqi premier announced that "Continuing aggressive actions towards other states, and a terrible record of causing poverty in countries around the world, mean that the USA needs to be closely monitored. And if necessary, Iraq will take military action to prevent the US from wielding its war-machine against other nations".


The Iraqi plan is to use state-of-the-art fighter and bomber jets, and several types of guided and smart missiles to dismantle the US military complex, and reduce American cities to rubble.


President Hussein has attacked the US for refusing to allow the rest of the world, led by Iraq, to examine its nuclear, biological and chemical weapons capabilities. "This just proves that George has something to hide," said the Iraqi leader. Some maverick Iraqi citizens have questioned whether their leader should be demanding access to the weapons stockpile of another country; however they were decapitated after a summary trial.


In a terrified response to this America has begun a "dig a foxhole in your garden" information scheme. A programme teaching school children how to act in the event of an air raid or missile attack has also been initiated, showing them how to lie on the ground in a pool of blood screaming until either a burning ambulance comes or they fall unconscious.