Oakley, there is really no need to go inventing fanciful descriptions of your assets in order to impress me. I have seen the Mudcat photos of Punch the Horse and of you, and in my opinion, Oakley, you put Tom Selleck to shame. You have no reason to be insecure about your physical appearance. I would say the same even if you were a pauper. I regard character as the vital thing in a man, not the size of his wallet.

Your sense of humour sometimes leaves me at a bit of a loss, I must say, but I can't fault your absolute dedication which is, well, really rather sweet.

I actually went to Hull recently, with the intention of seeing your band play, but was unable to find the venue for some reason. It's very puzzling. (?)

What is more puzzling is that Winston made a journey to both Hull and South Ferriby (so he tells me), intending I suppose to start an altercation with you. I said he was being an idiot, but he went anyway, because the fact is, he IS an idiot. At any rate, do you know what happened? He couldn't find you or Punch the Horse either! And what's more, no one in any of the clubs was able to help him. He did find some American band called (so help me) "Scr*w the Pooch", and ended up having words with their guitar player. He also found a so-called Christian punkrock band called "Judas S*cks!" Imagine! What is this world coming to? They told Winston he is going to hell for sure, and he told them something less printable than that, and it led to yet another horrendous scene of the sort that occurs when you combine simple minds with far too much alcohol.

I have cut Winston off entirely. If he can't control his drinking and his temper then he is not going to waste my valuable time. I fear he will come to a bad end, and it won't be my fault when he does. His father was much too lenient with him.

Now here's another strange thing. Winston says that he was in South Ferriby, but I cannot locate it on any map I have. He says it's "a hole", but that's what he would say. I'm sure it's quite charming. Twillingsgate, on the other hand, is naturally found on any good map of England, but it seems that some members of the forum are not finding it there. I can't imagine why that is?

Just what is going on here, I'd like to know? I've seen pictures of Punch the Horse, but I cannot find them. No one in Hull seems to know about them. How can this be?

Why do my PM's to you not go through? Just what is afoot here? It's all very mysterious.

In any case, I can assure you that we had a marvelous Christmas in Twillingsgate and I hope that you can visit our fair town one of these days. You can lodge at the Vicar's Inn. I finally managed to get them to take down that stupid plaque honoring the detestable Malcom Buggeroll, by threatening to bring a public lawsuit against him for assault if they didn't remove it at once. I won't go into details, but I was forced to sieze an antique saber off the library wall and put the point of it directly against Mr. Buggeroll's throat to dissuade him from certain, shall I say...unwarranted advances. Ha! You should have seen his face. The great "poet of the Highlands" turned very pale indeed! I would gladly have skewered him right there on the spot or better yet, have permanently altered some lower portion of his detestable anatomy with a deft stroke of the blade, but the legal complications would have been horrendous if I had, so I didn't. He can consider himself a lucky man indeed. The pompous beast still has half the women in Twillingsgate swooning away at his poetry readings and has probably seduced most of them as well (when he's not kept busy menacing children and livestock). Ugh! It's really awful what some people do when they get a little fame in this world.

But enough of that...

Do come to Twillingsgate whenever you can spare the time. Winston will not trouble you, because I have informed him in no uncertain terms that he will wish he'd never been born if he so much as lifts a finger in your direction.

My best wishes, Oakley, for a prosperous and fruitful New Year!

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