I think I've heard this song. It goes something like: if you're planning to shoot yourself, press 1. If you want to overdose on pills, press 2. If you're thinking of jumping from a window, press 3, etc. Is that the one you're thinking of? I heard it on Bob Sherman's "Woody's Children" radio show a couple of years ago, sung by a male singer-songwriter whose name I definitely can't recall. I do remember is being a very funny song, and you're right that it isn't Tom Lehrer.