God bless us, Isaac … you're early into the oul' bitterness and no mistake!

Fair play, t'ye, mind! The Drumcree fleadh's an interdenominational yoke, and no criticism intended.

Anyhow, I've been messin' about wi' an oul' song called "The Man From Mullingar" and I've only come up wi' a tribute to the wee man Bell, the star of the last Drumcree Fleadh. He'll be sorely missed!

Ringo, give us a batter on thon oul' drum.

Man dear, but thon's a rhythm and a half, eh?

You may sing and shout and boast about your Rorys and your Phils
Your man called Shane MacGowan who's well known for booze and pills
But the rock-and-rollest character, the boy who raises hell
Is the chubby man from Belfast, the lad called Derek Bell

The word went out "Look out, it's Bell the harper"
The lily-livered turned their heel and scarpered
When Derek came to Portydown, he drunk the place bone dry
And he fathered fifteen childer in the blinkin' of an eye

Says Bell "I'm running out of coke and running out of speed
To fill again my nostrils, I am in direst need"
Says the hoods "Me boy, we'll sort you out, if you have got the cash"
Says Bell "Here's twenty thousand, so sort me out a stash"

The word went out "Look out, it's Bell the harper"
The lily-livered turned their heel and scarpered
When Derek came to Portydown, he drunk the place bone dry
And he fathered fifteen childer in the blinkin' of an eye

When Bell was off his tits, me boys, it was a sight to see
He tore into the session that they held in boul' Drumcree
He played his harp with fury, he was just like Jimmy Page
And he blew every other bugger off the session stage

The word went out "Look out, it's Bell the harper"
The lily-livered turned their heel and scarpered
When Derek came to Portydown, he drunk the place bone dry
And he fathered fifteen childer in the blinkin' of an eye

Says Ringo to Lupari "By Christ, man this is grim
The speed yer man is playing … I just can't keep up with him"
Says Gino to McDonagh "Aye, me tipper's just a blur
And I lost two stone from playing in the space of half an hour"

The word went out "Look out, it's Bell the harper"
The lily-livered turned their heel and scarpered
When Derek came to Portydown, he drunk the place bone dry
And he fathered fifteen childer in the blinkin' of an eye

Yer man then played The Stack of Oats and then played Paranoid
When he launched into the Ace of Spades, the crowd was overjoyed
Smells Just Like Teen Spirit and The Foggy Foggy Dew
The Boys Are Back In Portadown and The Good Ship Kangaroo

The word went out "Look out, it's Bell the harper"
The lily-livered turned their heel and scarpered
When Derek came to Portydown, he drunk the place bone dry
And he fathered fifteen childer in the blinkin' of an eye

Bell clumb up the speakers and he wobbled on the stack
And launched himself into the crowd, a wild man for the crack
Says he, "Where are you, Iggy Pop and Axl Rose as well?
I'm rock'n'roll personified … my name is Derek Bell!"

The word went out "Look out, it's Bell the harper"
The lily-livered turned their heel and scarpered
When Derek came to Portydown, he drunk the place bone dry
And he fathered fifteen childer in the blinkin' of an eye