August 12th

GUY WITH STUPID NAME DESTROYS CHANCE OF HUMANITY SURVIVING

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- In what critics are calling "a good excuse to make fun of that ridiculous surname", Vice-President Arnold Schwarzenegger today scuppered any hope of a peaceful resolution to the looming Mars crisis when he announced his plan to run for the position of Supreme Clarboth. Viewers of the So Late That It Actually Ends Up Being Broadcast On The Following Morning at 10am show were shocked as he announced his intentions to the presenter, the late Strom Thurmond. His appearance attracted millions of patriotic Americans to tune in to the show, where he first of all joked that he intended to "kill doze stoopid marshans, ja?", unfortunately causing a kloghrikkkktor missile to fire at some other continent, wiping it off the face of the earth.
Film critics and political analysts alike are condemning this move. One such journalist, Jimmy Bogger of the New York Times, wrote: "This move will do absolutely nothing for the journalistic profession. There is neither sex nor scandal involved in this little escapade, and frankly, I think Schwarzenegger has lost the plot. And what is the deal with his name? What a shit. Jesus."
Patriotic Citizens, however, greeted the news with a blank look, thanks in part to the Department Of Homeland Security's newly implemented and entirely constitutional Remove People's Brains law.
Donald Rumsfeld is 72.