Well, I stole a couple of my favorite jokes and put 'em in a song. Anybody recognize the source of the last two? (I have to own up to the first one, though it's a pale imitation of many others). Here's the lyric for the song:

        Drunks Say the Damnedest Things


He fell in front of the subway car as it sped down the track.
The wheels rolled over bones and flesh and broke his aching back.
A drunk gazed from the platform at the red and gory parts,
Then offered his opinion, saying, "Boy, I bet that smarts!"

Chorus:        

Drunks -- say the damnedest things.
Their thoughts take flight on fancy's wings.
Unfettered by the bonds of sense that sober living brings,
Drunks -- say the damnedest things.



The bar was filled with sweet young things, all coos and curves and curls,
When the drunk on the end-most stool heard a line to pick up girls:
A British gent said to a girl, "Tickle your arse with a feather?"
Then repeated it more "clearly" as: "Typical narsty weather."
The drunk saw that this line had worked, despite its startling brass,
So he said to the woman on his left, "Stick a feather up your ass?"
The outraged woman turned on him, -- "What's that you said again?"
The drunk in triumph played his card and said, "Think it'll rain?"

Chorus


He cursed the cop arresting him, of that there is no doubt.
He called him every name in the book, and some that were edited out.
It was "Son-of-this," and "Mother-that," and more that were not so fine;
Then he tipped his hat to the officer, saying, "Hope I'm not out of line!"

Chorus



Copyright © 1991, Bob Clayton. All rights reserved.