I did once play to an audience of two! The landlord and his bar staff. This place was in the middle of nowhere, had never booked a band before and hadn't advertised the fact that it planned to!
The only trade this place could have would come from passing motorists, the nearest dwellings being some miles away.
Having unloaded the van, set-up and soundchecked, I started to get a little concerned at the lack of any signs of life and, as the time to start drew upon us, I went in search of the landlord.
"Don't worry about it! We've just opened and we're trying to get this place established as a music-pub" and despite the lack of any customers asked us to begin and said he would come through for a listen.
Fully appreciating his difficult position we played the first set while the landlord, along with the embarrassed-looking girl behind the bar applauded each song.
I then suggested that the landlord cut his losses and gave him the opportunity to "pay us off". (Basic expenses and no hard feelings.)
Not a chance! In his words,"No play, no pay!"
So we went on and finished the night, completely sending up the situation with lots of cries of "All-together-now!" and "Let-me-hear-you-sing!"
We even took "requests" from the floor, "Sounds of silence", "Silence is golden" and so on.
As we packed away the landlord paid up in full and asked if we could put another couple of dates in the diary.
We wished him well as we politely declined!