Points will be awarded for the following.

1. Ability to break any given string at completely random moments during the set. Extra points will be awarded for more than one string at a time, and on a sliding scale relative to how early in the set they are snapped. Top points for the first tune. And an extra 10 bonus points for actually breaking one during one of McGarry's Accapella songs. (I did this once during "Take me up to Monto" while using the guitar as a makeshift Bodhran....)

2. Number of replacement dry tee-shirts required to complete a full gig at Durty Nellies. I think four is my personal best.

3. Number of pints of Guinness consumed during a gig without falling over or forgetting what key the Wild Rover is in.

4. Ability to smoke a cigarette whilst playing Dirty Old Town without McGarry noticing. Extra points if you can roll it during the intro.

5. Ability to look a complete twat at all times. Clog dancing in very amateur style with Nik-Nak whilst playing tunes, wearing a tea towel cunningly disguised as a pair of surfing shorts is one of my personal favourites.

6.Ability to not lose the plot completely when Oakley and Watson cunningly slip the Birdie Song and Scotland the Brave into any song or tune, at a totally inappropriate time, regardless of tempo or key.

7. Time taken to change a whole set of strings. This will be digitally timed by TagHeuer in a strictly monitored dark, smoky, crowded and noisy environment.

8. Ability to scan a crowded pub constantly while doing all of the above, in order to identify potential company for the end of the evening. This includes direct eye contact while singing "She is handsome, she is pretty, she is the Queen of Dublin City..." Never fails, people. Extra points will be awarded for hazard awareness (husbands, boyfriends, and Sue Wiley's disapproving glare), the ability to spot when she is Andy Watson's type, oh and of course, good taste.

9. Ability to get yourself out of the sh*t as quickly as possible when successful application of the above results in a compromising situation, such as realising that the gorgeous pair of eyes you've been looking into all evening across the crowded, smoky pub, are actually attached to a deeply unattractive middle aged overweight mother of five with acne and an inability to speak the Queens english without uttering an expletive at least five times in any given sentence.

10. Oh, yes, I nearly forgot. You have to be able to play the Guitar.

Think that about sums it up. Anything I've omitted, Noreen?

McGarry, I trust you'll let me know when the Autition dates are. Good luck, people. May the best man (or woman) (or hermaphrodite) win!!!!