From a friend of mine many years ago:

On seeing a female hitchhiker: "Don't stop - she's uglier than Death takin' a shit!"

Of his wife: "Don't listen to her, she's crazier than a shithouse rat!"

From one of the late H. Allen Smith's books:

"She smelt like eight wet rams."

"That woman was so tall she could stand flat-footed and piss in the radiator of a Chevy pickup."

Peter.