Ideally, to parallel real life, the deaf mute should beat the wife, and when arrested by the sherrif, be brought to a brand new keep where the jailer is drunk, and where the deaf mute meets a young varlet who has just cut his father's nose off in a knife fight in the pitch black - all this being the very day after a dame is robbed by a thief while watching the official opening of the keep.
A ballad by Anonymous along these exact lines being somewhat unlikely, I broke the modern anecdote into five or six parts. Thanks to everyone's suggestions. Good old Mudcat, ever reliable.