"...I'll never feel that comfortable with being an 'authority'."

Weren't you an Air Force sergeant? *grin*

Tiny Tuba? That reminds me that there is a traditional Chamorro drink here made of coconut juice (not the milk). It is to be drunk when it reaches the peak of sweetness. And it is best when cold. The locals tell me you never realize its impact until you try to stand up after drinking it. The name of the drink? Tuba.