Maybe this is what is needed all around:
Single White Trapper

Bill was a trapper lived out in the woods and that kind of life suited Bill pretty good
Whatever he needed would fit in his pack but still there was one thing Bill lacked
One long evening he sat daydreaming and to his old dog did confide
Though your company's great, you're not much of a date.
Declared Bill, What I need is a wife

But Bill wasn't really the sociable sort and he didn't bathe near as much as he ought
In fact, he only had one suit of clothes and there wasn't much left of those
Bill was a gigantic early romantic, he wasn't a debonair guy
But his glands were crying, he'd have to start trying if he was to find him a bride

So Bill sent away for a new suit from Sears
He scrubbed himself down, even washed in his ears
Soon he was ready for one final check
With his suit buttoned up to his neck

Bill strode off to the Legion Hall where they were having a dance
A handsome sight in socks almost white that didn't reach up to his pants
All eyes turned to Bill as he entered the hall in a brown leisure suit several sizes too small
The women all smiled, the men laughed out loud, you could say Bill stood out in a crowd

Conversation didn't come easy to Bill
He didn't know any good lines
He tried to be witty, he tried to be fun
But his overtures all were declined

Bill headed home, really feeling depressed. The fast lane was clearly not where he did best
He was ready to quit then a light bulb alit. In the next Sunday paper it said:

Single white trapper seeks permanent mate
Don't have to have brains, good looks or good taste
Long as she can carry 5-gallon jugs, clean fish and cuss.
Smokers and drinkers are free to apply
No reasonable offer refused
Prefer someone frugal that don't eat too much
And won't mind if he sleeps in his shoes

Well Bill got a letter and he answered right back inviting the lady to his simple shack
Nervously waiting for her to arrive, Bill froze as the door opened wide

A toothpick hung from her slender lips
But there were few teeth in her grin
Her hair was the shade of a road barricade
Tobacco juice ran down her chin
With no more ado, she stepped right inside
Looked the place over and gave Bill the eye
An overstuffed suitcase was clutched in each hand,
It appeared a long visit was planned

Bill's jaw dropped as he stood and stared. He couldn't speak, try as he might
For Bill was astounded, for Bill was amazed, for Bill, this was love at first sight

Well Bill soon proposed and she gave him her hand
The years came and went, they were happy as clams
Bill still didn't bathe but then neither did she
They were made for each other, you see

So if you think you could be more polished if only you tried
Forget about fashion and you may find passion like Bill and his mail order bride

Lou Nathanson, Eagle River, Alaska