What you really need is Dave Vermond's Duvet song -

It's D, difficult to clean,
U, you need a washing machine,
V, is for those visible stains,
E is for the elegance it lends to one's bed,
and T is for the toenails that tear it to shreds -
recordings are available at reasonable rates from Mr Vermond. He's technically challenged, so you can't find him on the web, but he's the only D.Vermond in the Ilkley area (118119)