Two For Caffeine Addicts...

The Joy of Coffee
                        Anon

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in
green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for
its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I
will fear no Equal (tm): for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar
they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez:
thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness
and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

~~~~~~~~~~
The Caffeinated Cross
                        (A Javacrucian Ritual)
The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled "The Mystery of the StarBuck".

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

"LATTE" Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

"MOCHA" Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

"CAPPUCHINO" Bring it across to your right shoulder:

"FRAPPUCHINO" Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

"ARABICA, OH MAN!"

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

"BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"

"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"

"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"

"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"

"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"

"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean.

This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.