Shaving helps me maintain my boyish good looks, my youthful innocence, my childlike sense of wonder. Besides, every time I've tried to grow more than a mustache I've given up because of the coarseness of the stubble.

It's a horrible thing to wake up in the night and find that you chest is all raw and bleeding from the beard you are trying to grow.

Now, I actually don't shave. I do what the loggers do: drive 'em in with a hammer and bite 'em off inside. (Hairballs, however, are becoming a problem recently.)