A number of times I decided to grow a beard, but it never lasted for more than three days. Except once. Around 1980 or so, when I was working for the phone company (Ma Bell), I grew one and had it for about a year and a half. It was okay for awhile, but from time to time the damned thing would start to itch. I had to shampoo it every day and it got to be more of a hassle than shaving. Food was always getting caught in it (a bit of mayo or mustard from a sandwich, a bread crumb or two, a dab of egg yolk that dripped off my fork, that sort of thing), and to keep from grossing people out (or attracting flies) I had to scrupulously check my face in a mirror with ridiculous frequency (which, in itself, can be traumatic).

Finally, one Saturday morning we're eating hotcakes. When syrup drizzled into it for the third time, I decided, "Okay, that's it!!" After breakfast I shaved it off, revealing a face that was red and irritated. And very itchy. Then I developed what looked like dandruff on my bare face. For a couple of weeks, after I shaved and washed my face, my beard area was red as a beet, and after a few hours, dry scale would start flaking off. It finally went away. Except now and then it still comes back. But even so, it felt good to have a clean face again. Maybe beards work for some guys, but not for me. It looked pretty good, but for me, it was a royal pain in the face.

A year after I shaved it off, my supervisor at the phone company looked at me kinda funny and said, "Gee, Don, when did you shave off your beard?"

Don (barefaced) Firth