Well, Tweed, I hear that it is your birthday. Tralala! What a festive occasion! I hope you have hired a brass band. Think back over all the years of your life, Tweed, and consider this: if your parents had not made a terrible error on that night long ago when you were conceived, and launched your little life precipitously into a long-suffering world, you would not be here today...mangling the English language and pestering your neighbours.

How lovely that would be!

Ah, well, we have to all live with the difficulties and nuisances that existence throws up in our faces, don't we?

Have a simply lovely birthday, Tweed. Don't break a leg.

* PR