Dealing with Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your fictitious problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Whatsisname from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. If you are male and the telemarketer is female... Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. If you are female (or male too) cry out in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. I'm sorry, sir, but I'm completely filled with fruit and cheese.

12. OK, I'll take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a dog for three minutes straight.

13. I can't make that kind of decision now; I'm on my deathbed. (cough, cough)

14. When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen, or is human blood OK?

15. I'm too fucking drunk to decide. (vomit noises)

16. Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?...But...but...you've been dead for 15 years!

17. Really, ma'am, this is not a good time. I'm cold and naked with a plastic bag over my head.

18. Now will this protection you're offering cover all the children I keep locked up in the basement?

19. No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!!

20. Just keep repeating: "I weel hunt you down like dog and keel you!!"