I can hardly see through my tears after reading through it, David, but Heide did a great job on that treasure of a website. Thank you for posting it. I like what she says about preferring to adopt animals rather than buying them.

Are you still taking donations in her memory for the "help a small animal fund"?

I'm so glad you're getting to the point now where you can express the grief and tears and feel okay about it, even in public. It's only going to get easier as time goes by, too. I've never lost a lover or spouse the way you have, but I have grieved the loss of a VERY close friend due to other circumstances. I remember breaking down in tears the way you describe, whenever something would remind me of him or the way we used to work/play together. Some parts of me had changed during that relationship ... I'd "picked up on" a few of his attitudes, his "turns of phrase" etc -- the way people do when they spend a lot of time together. I had to accept, express and then make peace with my own memories and the emotions attached to them before I could even "stand myself" again. It took a couple years, but it DID happen ..... so take heart, my friend.

Way to go at Blockbuster! I only wish I'd been there to see the look on people's faces. That crazy sense of humour of yours is one of your "saving graces" I think ... so "cultivate" it all you can ok? And your music, too ... hey, maybe that brand-new mandolin of yours would sound good with my Native American flute!

I know it's embarrassing to cry in public, even over a such a grievous loss as the one you're going through. Well, Heide's stories about her beloved rats brought this memory back to mind ...

My twin boys had pet rats for a couple years, and much to my surprise, I really came to enjoy them. And I learned quite a bit too ... for instance, did you know that the word for "Rat" is the same in just about every language on earth?

When the rats first arrived, I started realizing just how much the English language is "prejudiced" against rats -- (like "yuk what a ratty old blanket" ... or "I'm gonna RAT on you!" or "What a rat that guy is!").   I made every effort to purge myself of this "species-bigotry" ... but that's beside the point.

Rats have a short lifespan, and by the time the family rats were on their last legs, my sons had unfortunately switched their attention, loyalty and affection to my new kitten, the Roo. So I ended up doing the bulk of the caring for the rats myself. Even though I'd developed quite the allergy to them (and rats are the ONLY animals that ever gave me hives!) it became very hard to see them go.

The last survivor was our "King of the Cage", a black and white hooded rat named "The BAHHH!" (my kid's choice, I never did figure that one out!) I'd moved his cage into the furnace room, where it was nice and warm for his tired old bones. Well, my father and two furnace repairmen were in there working the morning I discovered The Bahhh! had finally taken flight for that Happy Rat-Hole in the Sky. I felt like quite the idiot, breaking down uncontrollably in tears, right in front of those strange men. I even had to ask them to remove him from the cage for me, so I could bury him, because I couldn't even touch him at that point without a severe allergic reaction. They were looking at me like I was absolutely nuts, so broken up over such a "lowly" and (for me anyway) "sickening" creature.

But they had enough compassion to send me away, once they finished laughing at me. They even buried him for me.

Anyway, sorry to go on so long, and thank you for the opportunity to share my experiences with rats and grieving. Call me ANYTIME, David, and hang in there ...

Love and blessings,

Michelle