I'm an IT technician, and this is our department's signature recipe :


Technical Toast

Note – This procedure should only be attempted by a qualified Toast Technician.

You need :         Flat bread product (or flat bit sawed from chunk of bread), butter, topping

Also :        Some form of incineration device


Procedure :
Remove flat bread product from wrapper. Examine bread for foreign objects, green/while/blue areas & remove these where necessary. Random furry bits are not recommended for eating, and should also be removed. Ensure that butter is approaching room temperature. If it is rock-like, spreading it on your toast will be difficult - warm it first. You can nuke it (for a second or two - more will result in liquefication) if necessary.


Examine your chosen incineration device, and proceed accordingly -

If a toaster :
Plug in toaster, switch on at socket. If sparks & a nasty buzzing sound ensue, suspect inappropriate dampness and seek alternative incineration method. If rewarded by a lack of noise, or indeed anything else, insert flat bread into obvious bread-receiving slots on top (it will only go in a limited number of ways round - any of these are likely to be fairly successful) of toaster. Set brown-ness dial to a random number, and depress lever to lower bread. Ignore until bread goes "Spung!" and emerges ad high speed.

If a grill :
Turn on grill at "High". If it's a gas grill, do remember to light it, or the following steps will result in at best a lack of toast and a funny smell, and at worst the arrival of the fire brigade. Wait until the flames are nicely blue & flickery, or the elements are glowing beautifully red (if you manage the reverse, call me - you may have discovered something saleable). In the meantime, locate the grill-pan, or insert a suitably shaped bit of chicken-wire or other flat & holey object under the grill. Place the bread in the flat object & slide under the grill.

If a blowtorch :
Knock two 4" (or longer) nails about 1" into the wall. Impale bread on nails. Light blowtorch (avoiding ignition of curtains, sleeves, or other inflammable materials) and play flame evenly over bread until brown. Black is bad.

If a lighter :
Proceed as for Blowtorch. But note that this doesn't work…


Watch the bread in a hawk-like fashion for signs of incipient browning - a light summer suntan is ideal. Flabby February-fishbelly-white is not ideal - keep watching. Charcoal is also not ideal - this state arrives earlier than expected. (Either eat it for the sake of good digestive health, or us it as missiles to annoy the pigeons.) If only one side appears to be crispy and coloured, this is probably due to your choice of incineration device - turn the bread over and repeat the process.