I wrote this before, but I'll pass it along to you as well Kendall. BTW, if you're having the bypass, hopefully they take the vein they will use from inside rather than your leg. Your leg will bother you for weeks after the chest trauma is over!!!

Ya know Kendall, it's hard to have a sense of humor when you're in pain ain't it? And the folks who staff these damn places seem to have a weird sense of humor themselves.
When I had the quad by-pass, they went to great lengths to explain prior to the surgery about "What to do if you have to cough." They explained all the details of holding the pillow over your chest, arms crossed, etc. Then they said that this was traumatic to the surgical incision (read: chopping your breastbone in half with an ax--actually they use a nice little POWER SAW!!!). Then, as soon as you are off the vent, the first thing they want you to do is COUGH. Now I know this is to keep your lungs clear and prevent pneumonia, but you'd think they could come up with a "Lung Sucker" of some sort so you wouldn't have to wouldn't you? So you cough for them and they say, "Again...a little deeper this time." You wish at this point you were stronger so you could get out of bed and kick their ass.

After this comes the cruelest joke. You feel a sneeze coming on. All of a sudden, in that nanosecond before you sneeze, a whole series of thoughts fly through your brain which can be summarized by, "If a cough liked to kill me, this is gonna' be a motherfucker.......and the SOB's never MENTIONED sneezing!!!" After the sneeze, when someone has picked up the quivering blob on the floor that used to be your body and returned it to an upright position, thought #2 hits-----"Sneezes always seem to come in 3's." Uh-huh. Two more sneezes later, you are barely alive and wondering where you can steal some morphine when a nurse walks in and, after a check of your vitals, says, "Okay, now cough...Have to keep those lungs clear don't we?" You try to remember anyone you've known in the past who might be willing to drop by the hospital and beat this bimbo to a bloody pulp.

And why do they all say "we." Like, "We have to cough....We have to get our exercise....We have to take our shower." The main practioners of this plural art are always the most unattractive women you have ever met and you want to say, "Honey, I wouldn't get in a shower with you if I was being attacked by Killer Bees."

Of course there are bedpans......How the hell can you shit lying flat on your back? Actually you're arched backwards. So they whip the sucker under you and then leave......and don't come back......and in the meantime a group of friends walk in.........right then.............

And get a note from your doctor if they use wire and staples to hold your sternum together because you will set off metal detectors stark naked. I'm serious here, especially in this day and age.

I really enjoy the part where you try to move around with all the stuff hooked up. Especially fun is walking down the hall with your IV stand held by one hand, your catheter bag half full of piss in the other, and your ass hanging out. Very attractive.

Well Kendall, I hope you're having a fun time tonight....the fun doesn't last much longer!!!!

Spaw