Jam sessions are actually VICIOUS COMPETITIONS. To understand how a jam session really works, you must understand that the real purpose of a jam session is not to make music, to have fun, to please the local crowd or to associate with friends and other musicians. The real purpose is to SHOW OFF, and to prove you are BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. Not just a better musician, but BETTER IN EVERY WAY. To do this, you must make YOURSELF LOOK AS GOOD AS POSSIBLE and EVERYONE ELSE LOOK AS BAD AS POSSIBLE. So here, in order, are the most important rules for successful jamming:

1. BUY A VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE INSTRUMENT. Most jammers fall apart when they are face to face with a prewar Herringbone, Granada or Lloyd Loar, or even just a common D-45. These instruments are also VERY LOUD, so it really doesn't matter how good everyone else is anyway, since you can blow them away. Also, most working bluegrass musicians have very little money (bluegrass fans are the cheapest people on earth), so anyone with a real job can usually outclass even the best working musician. 2. DRESS TO WIN. Your cloths are very important. Cowboy boots, jeans and a big cowboy hat are good. Also, bib overalls and rubber boots are not bad, particularly if you have missing teeth. Avoid running shoes, tennis shorts, and Hawaiian shirts. 3. PLAY REAL LOUD DURING VOCALS. This is a great way to neutralize good singers. Remember, nobody can sing clearly and on-key while his cochlea is being pulverized by an exploding prewar Granada. 4. SUGGEST OLD STANDARD SONGS. Always suggest old songs like "I Saw the Light", "Will the Circle Be Unbroken", or "Amazing Grace." Experienced players have played these songs so much they are sick of them, so they will leave. This cuts down the competition. 5. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE. This is the way jammers communicate, and nobody can keep you from doing exactly what you want to do if you never acknowledge their existence.

When everyone has left the jam session except you, you have won. This might seem like a self-defeating approach but remember, all those people who left your jam session must have gone somewhere else. Just find them, and you can start all over again.

(This came to me via a friend, originating on banjo el (?))