Rustic Rebel, you don't want sympathy, and I understand that, but you're going to get a lot of it! I too have had a devastating loss- not as many as you, so close together, but one that has shattered my life and changed it forever. And I too have done a lot of thinking and grieving and feeling- and although no two of us experience the same kind of loss, we can share an understanding of what we're going through.

Like you there is no doubt in my mind that the essence of a person goes on after death. Like you I have no fesr of death, and in fact I realize more and more that this life here just ain't all there is- in fact, I'm beginning to think we're here as a sort of "boot camp" to get us ready for the next big thing- this is only a small part of what it is to exist.

But like you I'm in deep grief. I don't grieve for Byron- I know he's at peace and going on, and also with me in a way I can't often percieve. But I rage, weep, sob and mourn the loss of the short time we had together, and especially the future I fully expected us to share. We had found each other after our own respective "boot camps" of various relationships, learning the hard way about loving, and felt that now we finally had a chance to show the world and each other what a fully mutual, loving, equal partnership was, alive in spirit and soul and body and mind. Since he died of a massive heart attack at age 56, just 4 months ago, I have had to deal, over and over again, with what I often see as the unfairness, arbitrariness, and sometimes cruelty of fate, even as I strive to keep my faith that "we'll understand it all by and by."

So, grieve away, my friend. You know that your friends are fine- grieve for yourself, because as much as we believe that there's more out there, this is all we're allowed to know right now. And I do believe we're here to learn about love in all its forms, and that includes mourning the loss of companionship, friendship, acceptance, and love in their earthly manifestations. We have to grieve- it's not hypocritical at all! You have to let the feelings come, so you can emerge out the other side.

I know I'm becoming a better person- more patient, less likely to "sweat the small stuff"- and I'm still in the depths of my grieving time. I can't imagine what it's like on that other side I just mentioned. But I have hope that there is one, and I get occasional glimmers.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, and you are welcome to PM me any time. Take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry if you can. And know that they still love you!

Allison