Dear RR,

Don't be too hard on yourself. What you are experiencing is not hypocrisy, but 2 sides of the same coin. When you say you believe your friends go on, you are speaking from your mind, your intellect. The terrible loss that you feel, however, is from your emotions. We can control our thoughts much better than our feelings! It is normal & appropriate for you to feel as you currently do; any person would. You have had huge chunks torn suddenly & unexpectedly from your life!

I have not experienced the kind of loss that you & Allison have, but I do have some experience with loss & disillusionment. I have found that, when I feel the pain, it is best to acknowledge it, let it flow over me, & let it go. Spend time with loving, supportive friends & family when you can. Immerse yourself in positive activities. Give to others, but expect that, periodically, pain will revisit you. Over time, if you accept it, it will lessen in frequency & intensity. In the process of that acceptance, you will become a more understanding, compassionate person with more to give to others from this experience.

Another idea to consider is to resolve to live in the present moment. The past is gone; it cannot be remade. The future is yet to be. Do the planning that a responsible person must, but don't borrow worry. We are just given one moment at a time; make each count for yourself, your friends, and our world. Your friends who've passed on will be pleased that good has come through their passing.

One more thought that may seem silly. My son recently introduced me to the Broadway show, "Rent." In it, a group of people are going through hard times--relationship issues, money issues, drug issues, loss. They come to some positive conclusions in their struggles. The song lyrics are very interesting & the music, although it is rock, is great. It won the Pulitzer Prize for drama in 1996. The writer, ironically, died at 36 of an aortic aneurism. You might like to look at the following website.

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Strand/8508/rentmain.html

BTW, I had written out my whole post & lost it when I went to make the link to "Rent." I hope this rewrite will be helpful to you! You have value in the world. Thanks for trusting us enough to share. As others have said, if you wish, feel free to PM me.

Best,

Barbara