Deep in my heart I wish I could celebrate death. I want very much to see it as an extension of life, just another compartment of it. The world has been full of philosophies, (that of the Mayans comes to mind,) which embrace death as the glorious pathway to what is next. When it comes right down to it, I can't. I cannot get beyond feeling cheated of the time I might have had with the one I have lost.

Certainly time has been my enemy for as long as I can remember. I grew up as a Navy brat and all too soon came to realize that the people I knew, the friends I made, would eventually be left behind. No amount of letter writing could ever put them at my side again where I could share moments of joy or pain. They were gone and I would never see them again. After a while I would make new friends; but I knew that before very long time would run out on my father's tour of duty and these, too, would be left behind.

Thus I spent most of my early life mourning the loss of my friends. Time was clearly my enemy. I despised it so much that to this day, I hate to wear a wristwatch. I hate that it reminds me that even more time has passed. I hate that it reminds me that each passing moment brings me closer to being robbed of the continuation of my friendships, of my loves.

The good news is now that I am an adult I am no longer subject to the whims of the Navy. I can and do visit distant friends, no matter where they are. But time still rules. By way of the deaths of my parents and my best friend as well as the losses experienced by other folks I know, it continues to remind me that it is in charge. And I continue to hold a grudge.

If nothing else, it is contrary to my sense of fairness that I can be cheated of the time I might have had with those who mean so much to me, those upon whom I can rely. For that loss of time, the most valuable time I can imagine, I will always mourn.