Rustic Rebel...

When a loved one dies it is like losing a part of yourself. Even if they are walking the streets of gold in heaven, the loss for you is the same. My own philosophy regarding death is based on compost, and that is good enough for me...intellectually. But when I found my husband of 40 years dead one morning nearly 3 years ago, the concept of compost was not much consolation. To be truthful, there was no consolation. Grief is physical, as well as emotional. There were times when it would hit me so hard I'd literally be knocked sideways. An avid reader since the age of 3 I couldn't concentrate on the written word for nearly a year, nor could I write, in any formalized way. All the music I loved, both to listen to and play, was too painful, every note, every word like a needle in my heart. Both memory and concentration took a knock, energy too.

There are as many ways to cope with grief as there are copers. Bereft of reading, writing and music, I found escape in ways I'd never depended on. I watched more TV, fluff and comedies mostly, than I'd watched in the whole of my entire life. I played endless complex and difficult computer solitaire games. Anything that would engage my mind, without any direct association with the life I found myself in, so sad and incomprehensible to me.

Coping with grief is not linear but is is cyclic. And the process takes so long that at times it feels like accepting the loss is impossible. But change, like waiting for winter to turn to spring, does occur. After nearly 3 years I am now beginning to find memories bearable, sometimes even pleasant. I am able to read again, I am writing, better than ever, tho I miss horribly my husband's editorial input, playing and singing. Life does go on, a fact that I found emotionally deplorable right after John died. How dare the birds go on singing, day turn to night amidst glorious sunsets, and my own waking, morning after sad morning.

Treat yourself as you would a dear friend who was suffering great loss. You'd listen, let them cry, not try to shut them up or hurry them through the process, and you'd help them explore any escape from the pain they could find until time begins to take over. Give yourself time to heal in any way that is good for you. It will take as long as it takes. And eventually that's OK.