Hello, fellow pea. Mighty snug in this pod, eh?
The physical part of me is middle aged, and I'm also alone. Dad died when I was 17, Mom made it to 72, lived alone and died in a hospital. I was home then, and had visited her every day. I called every week prior to that. We were pretty close, and I knew when she went, it would be my last safety net falling apart. I'm an only child, and I'm not close to the last of my family, my cousins, who all have their own lives.

I've made good friends over the years, but they also have their own lives and my part in those lives wasn't too significant. I'd move and lose touch because I was always the one to call them and I'd get tired of it, and tired of being the only one who 'needed' a friend. The few I've kept and feel closest to are the ones whose lives I AM a part of and who care about me as well as me caring about them.

I think I would have ended up completely miserable as a married person, but sometimes it feels like I've painted myself into a corner. Being alone is something I'm used to, but it's tough not being able to count on a loved one with which I can share joys and sorrows, hopes and fears. But the thought of being truly dependent on people is what bothers me more than anything.

I guess you take care of what you can, you have faith that some things will just work out, and you try not to worry. Worry can make you feel worse than anything that might really happen.