Two UK version above in the thread actually -

and I found Joe Bethencourt's

WEST SCOTTISH TOWN OF OD GLASCOW

G                        Am7
Out in the West Scottish town of old Glascow
D                              G
I fell in love with a Mexican girl
G                         Am7
Nighttime would find me in Flora's Cantina
      D                                 G
The whiskey would flow and Maria would whirl


I'd drink at the bar every night about sunset
Watching Maria do disco alone
My blood pressure rising; I can't close my eyelids
And her name was Maria Conchita Evita Estrella Elena
    MacTavish Malone

The piper would play her the Mexican Hat Dance
The Black Watch would line up and drool on the floor
Maria would dance with a cork and two band-aids
At the end of the evening, I'd crawl out the door

         C
       One night a wild young crofter came in
                                       G
       Reeking of sheep in the night
            G
       He looked at Maria and started in howling
          G                              C
       Chewing the carpet, a terrible sight!
             D
       But Maria


Ignored him and kept on with aerobic motions
Doing things no other human could do
Dancing on tables and shaking her talents
The crofter was standing there thinking of ewes

The Black Watch had all fainted dead as they stood there
Her ankles were tucked neatly under each ear
She sucked up a shilling from off of the bar-top
The crofter just blew off the foam from his beer

       Next set Maria dressed up differently
       Wearing a cute woolly tail
       Dressed in sheep's clothing she wiggled and jiggled
       The crofter went berserk and let out a wail!
       But Maria

Ignored him and danced for the five mounted cowboys
Who didn't like sheep, and they said so, a lot
I ducked under a table just as the fight started
The crofter was giving as good as he got!

The constable came in, he said "What's all this then?"
And looked at the cowboys out cold on the floor
The crofter had grabbed up Maria and run off
And sheepishly carried her out of the door

         No one quite knows what became of them then
         I ran out the back, all alone
         I'll never go back to that Glascow cantina
         And her name was Maria Conchita Evita Estrella Elena
             MacTavish ...... Malone!