My Bedtime Ritual:

turn on electric blanket. this is a special electric blanket, designed to give small shocks every 15 mins to stimulate metabolism. Can be turned up or down to taste.

Take off leather boots, belt, uniform. Remove spectacles. Have a cold shower. Polish & scrub, dry & deodorise, receive Swedish massage from Vladimir.

Don army disposal nightie, grey flannel. Pluck chin hairs. Scrub teeth, tongue and fingernails. Put teeth in glass beside bed. Put whip under bed, with rottweiler. Sniff room for any strange odours.

Read "Lobotomies, and how to knit them", and make list of "to do" for next day.

Turn of light. Turn up blanket. Enjoy a shocking night's sleep.

Nurse R.