Scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE announced the
discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically
determined. This caused uproar among Democrats who believe it is a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism,discovered after a decades long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, financial, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
unnatural disregard for the poor and frequent unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian, domineering fathers and emotionally distant or ultra-busy mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited.

"After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican." The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family, and un-indicted co-conspirators. One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely choose that lifestyle!"

When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, greed, and self-serving -- you know." Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of the same parents and family dynamics. At least one scientist though the sad phenomenon might also be related to birth order, citing second girls and final boys, due both to their intense competition for the girl, and the lack of it for the final boy.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once -- or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that 3 out of 5 adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, perhaps while playing "politics," as children, although most outgrow such puerile experimentation with Republicanism, as they mature. Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating conservophobia.

They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" true eye color, they shouldn't be denied civil rights, which other minorities enjoy. If conservatism is not the result of stinginess, absolutism, or orneriness (typical stereotypes attributed toRepublicans), but is something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.

For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicans altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry...? Perhaps a Constitutional Amendment?