OK but there will be a few blank spots because of words I did not understand.

ROAD TO THE ISLES?

So you think you're gang intae the north to spend a holiday,
'Cause you're vaguely Scottish on your mother's side,
and you've heard of ancient glories both renowned in song and stories,
Kilts and haggis Andy Stewart and ... Clyde?

Ye come in by Crianlarich, it's the gateway to the north,
And the scenery will please your eyes I'm sure
Ye take out your picnic basket 'cause the car has blown a gasket,
In the middle of a place called Rannock Moor.

So, ye telephone the garage listed in the tourist guide,
That was published for you by the R.A.C.
But by design, or by intention, or, they just forget to mention,
That the garage closes down at half past three.

So, you're towed behind a tractor to a corrugated shed,
That's surrounded by farm implements and carts,
And ye scratch your head and wonder why you ever bought a Honda,
'Cause they'll have to send to Tokyo for the parts.

But your thoughts begin to quicken at the thought of berry picking,
So, you take a trip to Goudy for a spell,
Wi' some wellies of your mothers that she bought in Alley Brothers,
And a Gideon bible pinched frae your hotel.

So you take the train to Oban and you get the boat to Mull
Feeling like you've had a night upon the tiles,
Ye pay 20 pence for coffee wi' a tang of diesel oil,
You're experiencing the swindle of the isles.

So, you're standing picking rasps being stung to death by wasps,
The midges and the klegs are making free,
And the bairns have ate the berries and contracted dysentery,
'Cause last week they sprayed the crop with DDT.

So, you're headed back to Birmingham more waterlogged than tan,
But no sign of habitation do you see,
When you thought you were in Verrick you were actually in Lerrick
'Cause some vandal changed the signpost in Dundee

I hope you will excuse the spelling, I came as close as I could.

Line Breaks <br> added. Hope they're in the right places.

-Joe Offer-