Okay, I give up.

I really, really, really tried to resist, but I am weak:

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" says the pirate. "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Oh. Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine, now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," says the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."