Blair vows to fight on
Desperate last stand imminent
by College Green
UK prime minister Tony Blair has vowed to fight on despite last Thursday's drubbing at the polls which saw his party reduced to just two council seats across the UK.

The Labour Party retained just the Whippet and Steelmills wards of Bolton, where loyal members of the Socialist Old Guard are preparing for a desperate last stand against unstoppable waves of disgruntled voters. The Liberal Democrats (motto: go back to your reclining fire-side chairs and prepare for government) gained 2.2m seats while Tory supremo Vlad the Impaler hailed his party's gains as the net closed on the warmongering Blair.

Reports from the front suggest that Blair and his closest ally John Prescott are now confined to an area in and around an underground complex in the Whitehall area of London. Political insiders believe that once final onslaught by the opposition forces will topple the man who has brought misery and suffering to dozens of Iraqis.

And Blair's chances of survival dropped even lower last week when the UK Independence Party, led by charismatic Islamophile Robert Kilroy-Silk, stormed the beaches of Fortress Europe deploying wave after wave of activists grimly determined to flush the last Briton from mainland Europe — no matter what the cost.

With the end now seemingly inevitable, Blair may have to play his last, desperate card — to lower the voting age to 12 thereby creating a sacrificial volksturm of teenagers armed with nothing more than a picture of the Fuhrer and a copy of Things can only get better. A bloodbath seems inevitable.

Asked for his prognosis, a leading political analyst told The Rockall Times: I predict that Tony will marry long-term companion Cherie, after which they will both kill themselves. Gordon Brown will cremate the bodies in the ruins of Number 10. John Prescott will last be seen attempting to escape the country aboard an Eastjet flight to Brazil, although he will subsequently completely disappear. Peter Mandleson will spend 25 years in Argentina until he is abducted by the Inland Revenue, flown to Britain and hanged after being found guilty of serious financial misconduct.

"After the fall of Blair, an Iron Curtain will descend across the UK, with the prosperous south benefiting from all the advantages of Tory rule — improved health services, efficient public transport, etc. — while the impoverished north will spend 40 years living in grim tenement blocks and driving two-stroke engined motorised dustbins."

Asked whether it was likely that New Labour scientists would in the future be able to clone an army of Blairs from DNA found on a blood-stained handkerchief, our expert offered a chilling: "Yes."