After a lifetime of playing sundry instruments - guitar, mandolin, sax, banjo, pennywhistle etc. - I recently took up violin in a desperate attempt to get some *** in my marriage. I figured the rosin glistening on the bow-hairs, the bow stroking up and down, the tortured shrieks of the instrument, would be irresistibly suggestive.

It hasn't worked.

The problem could be that my teacher, who is German, isn't satisfied that I hit the notes kinda right, push the bow straight, use my little finger when it says "4", and flex my wrist up and down. He wants me to obey every slur and God forbid there should be a note or two left over when I reach the end of the bow. This is cramping my style. I suspect German honeymoon manuals have all the bow strokes marked.

Besides, he won't let me slide. (I've noticed a brief gleam in the wife's eye when I do that.) "The glissando," says my German, "is only for the romantic piece" in a tone of voice which suggests that romance is something you do with wool-bearing livestock.

Anyway, I've heard that fiddlers change bow direction at will and slide if they feel like and am wondering if to switch.

My question therefore: do fiddlers get more *** than violinists? For ease of comparison, I suggest a simple *** Index which would be years married by average number of times/year.

A newly-wed could average, say, 2 years X 150 times or 300. I'm struggling to make a 27X1.

Desperate is the operative word here. Please help.