To the tune of "Funiculi, funicula"

Last night, I contemplated masturbation!
I thought it would..do me good.
Tonight I shall repeat the operation,
I never tire, of pulling my wire.
First, you give it a long stroke,
Up and down, up and down, up and down,
Then you give it a short stroke,
Round and round, round and round, round and round.
And then you ease it, squeeze it
slap it on the floor, spank it, wank it, rub it up the door,
Some people say that sexual intercourse is absolutely grand....
But for personal satisfaction, I prefer to use my hand.