Well, there you go again! Blaming me. Like it's my fault that that former stud Ken comes up to me one day and says, "I want to talk with you." And I go, like, "Okay." And he goes, like, "I've enjoyed being with you more than I have ever done anything before, but I want you to know that I've always felt that I was really a woman trapped inside a man's body, ya know? So I'm getting this operation." And I'm, like, you know, flattened? So anyway, he leaves me and I'm like, despondent. So I check into Betty Ford, 'cause I'm like, doin' everything, ya know? I mean grass, 'ludes, meth, booze, crystal, the whole thing, ya know? Even tobacco. So I'm like 350 pounds and really, really gross. But Betty Ford straightened me out and I regained my original shape without too much trouble. My skins kinda like, you know, sort of plastic. Anyway, one day I'm down on the beach, just kickin' back after a hard day at work, and this stud , this absolute STUD, sort of magically appears. I mean, first I thought it was a flashback, ya know? But he's real and his name is Blaihn, but like later I find out he's from Oz and is really named "Blaine". Blond Blaine, the Sidney Surfer Stud. Anyway, it's like WHAM! and I'm ready to skip outa my thong right there on the beach, ya know? Anyway, Blaine and me, we scoot over to my place and we go to it everywhere, I mean everywhere. Only, not really, 'cause neither of us is, ya know, like, built for the old you-know-what, ya know? We're like, missing some parts. So we do what we can, and it's like, the first time for me all over again, if you know what I mean. So I see Ken a couple days ago, when I'm with Blaine, and like Ken doesn't see me. But he's wearin' a really short skirt and has obviously had these, you know, injections, and he's standing on the curb in high high heels calling to passing men, you know? So Blaine went up and said "'ello, Mate" and Ken said "Want some of this?" and Blaine turned and pointed to me and said, "Bloody 'ell, mate, what for? When I've got that ta keep me warm?" And I waved to Ken and he nearly died! And Blaine and I got into my car we roared off, laughing like crazy.

It's cool to be a Cali Girl!