I can get short and sarcastic when some chippy tries to put the fast move on me and I ain't in the mood. Mind you, this Mabel had an okay set of pins on her and she was the first human dame who had flirted with me in a long time (except for Magenta), but I just didn't like her style and I was too busy keepin' an eye on what old Vlad was up to next.

I guess I shoulda been more polite though. I seen her talkin' to these two plug-uglies by the bar and I knew there was trouble comin'. A chimp can smell trouble the way a hound smells a dead rat. Sure enough, here they came. They had muscles on top of their muscles. Probably between their ears too. One was wearin' a striped T-shirt that was a size too small. The other was dressed in a black AC/DC shirt. I hate AC/DC. He also had several earrings in each cauliflower ear, and they did nothin' for his looks.

I just kept drinkin' my drink. They came and stood over me silently, on either side. I guess they figured on terrifying me first. I took a drag on my Cuban.

"You!" said the striped one, glaring down menacingly. He hadda be at least 6'3". I glanced up at him. "When I need another drink I'll wave," I said.

"You're not gonna need a drink, mate, you're gonna need a doctor," he snarled, making a fist with one hand and smacking it into the palm of his other hand suggestively. "Yeh." said AC/DC, hooking his thumbs in his belt and swaggering.

"Yer buddy AC/DC's got a great command of the language, don't he?" I remarked to Stripes. "A real Shakespeare. So why would I need a doctor? Is the liquor that bad in this dive?"

I watched as the mercury shot up fast in these two bozos' rectal implants. They probably hadn't ever met anybody before who was under five feet tall and this lippy. Like I say, I shoulda been more diplomatic. What the hell. I was just one of those nights when I couldn't be bothered.

"Stand up, you bloody stinking ape!" said Stripes. AC/DC didn't say nothin'. He was too busy practicin' his ugly faces at me.

I took another drag on the cigar. A long one. "First off," I said, "how do you know I ain't already standin' up? Chimps are short. Second, I don't have disagreements with people who ain't had the common decency to introduce themselves first. My name's Chongo. Chongo Chimp. I gotta know your names, and then I will stand up. Otherwise, I suggest you go climb yer thumb somewhere."

I thought they was both gonna swell up and explode at that point. I began to fear for their health. AC/DC looked enraged and baffled at the some time. "Climb up me thumb???" he said thickly. "Wot the 'ell is 'e on about?"

"I'm Peebles," said Stripes, stabbing at his massive chest with his own thumb, "and e's F'rock. Mr Peebles and Mr F'rock to you! We're on security 'ere at this 'ere pub, and you've insulted a lady wot works 'ere. We bust the 'eads of people 'oo insult ladies. Bloody stinking apes we skin alive!"

I looked at the cigar. It was only half smoked. Damn shame. Half of that cigar was about to get wasted. Across the bar Vlad was watching the scene out of the corner of his undead eye whilst continuing to blather on pompously to Magenta. He looked amused.

I stood up. "Frock, you say? Strange name. How do you spell Frock, AC/DC? You do know how to spell, right?"

"You think I'm stupid, don't you?" growled AC/DC, moving in a little closer, and clenching his fists. "I spell me name T-H-R-O-C-K...F'rock!"

"That's what I figured," I said. "But where I come from, bozo, a frock is a frilly little thing that a girl wears. I like that name on you. It fits. Funny, I think I heard about your families before somewhere, in an old story out of Africa. A couple of low class bindle stiffs from Blackpool came down on a tramp steamer. They tried to pull a fast one on Lord Greystoke. You know, the apeman. They made a big mistake. So did your buddy here when he called me a stinkin' ape. You might notice I am now standin' up. You gonna show or you gonna blow?"

That did it. Peebles swore and drove a vicious right at me, which I ducked under as Throck bellowed and charged from the other side. He got Peebles' fist in his face for his troubles, and then got tangled up in the table and chair. I butted Peebles in the gut hard and got my long arms around his chunky midriff. A chimp has very strong arms and a low center of gravity, and I used it to my advantage, rolling on my back and dragging Peebles down on top of me. Then I kicked him in the gut with both feet and propelled him over my head. He met Throck head on, and the two of then went crashing against the wall like some eight-legged abomination out of a bad sci-fi film, knocking down a framed picture of some famous soccer player in the process.

I retrieved the cigar. It was still burning fine, so I took a drag. Peebles and Throck were up again fast and they fanned out, a little more cautious now. I could see Mabel watching out of the corner of my eye. I would need to watch that skirt carefully.

"You see this cigar?" I said. "This is a fine Cuban cigar. I hate to think that because of you two jerks this cigar is gonna be half wasted. I take offence over that. Because of that, I am gonna stick it in someone's nose. Who'll it be?"

Well, they didn't answer that for me. Peebles came at me yelling, swinging hard rights and lefts, so I put the cigar in my mouth, got hold of his right arm and moved him fast in the direction he was already going. It's a technique that works very well. You don't resist a blow, you just help the guy continue along that line till he meets something he doesn't want to meet. He met another table. One with three people and a whole lot of beer on it. They all went down in one great unholy tangle. Meanwhile, Throck had got hold of a chair and was intent on bustin' it over my head. I have a hard head, but there are limits. I waited till he made his move, got under it, and stuck the lit cigar in his nose. He bellowed like a bull and dropped the chair. I did a sweep on him that landed him on his back, picked up the chair and pitched it hard at Peebles, who was coming back for more. The chair disintegrated. Lousy workmanship. Peebles kept coming, so I helped him on his way again. This time I helped him run into the wall. He busted the wallboard and stuck into it headfirst like an armour-piercing shell in the side of a Sherman tank. More lousy workmanship. This pub definitely needed renovating.

Meanwhile, I was surprised to find about five more guys suddenly on my case. I guess they don't like outsiders comin' in and startin' fights in London pubs. Same as Chicago. This could get outa hand. I popped a couple of 'em with solid ape punches that knocked 'em down. Two more leaped on me and we went down in a heap. It's a good thing I've got four good fightin' hands instead of just two. I hadda use 'em. I got hold of these bozos and knocked their heads together, broke loose, and made a leap for the chandelier. It held. Better workmanship.

"Kill the bloody ape!" yelled Throck. They were all milling around below. Then they started throwing beer bottles at me.

"Bundolo!!!" I screamed, giving a mighty pull on the chandelier. It let go and I rode it down into the thick of them. We all went down together. Then I started in seriously with 'em. What a dustup. It wasn't half as scary as the fight with Vlad had been, but it was the best bar fight I remember in a while. I'd say it lasted about 3 minutes. Maybe. They all got in each other's way, which really helped me. We managed to break most of the furniture in the place and somebody stepped on my hat. I wish I knew who it was.

Mabel finally broke the whole thing up when she came out from behind the bar with a snub-nosed revolver and started blasting it at me. Everybody that was still on their feet scattered, and that included me. I gave a mighty yell of "Kreegah!", grabbed my violin case (in which rested the tommy gun) and dove through a handy window into the cool night air. I was up the wall in a flash, then quartered over and took a quick look through another window. What a mess! Mabel was yelling blue murder and in the distance I could hear those funny English cop cars coming.

I noticed one other thing in that moment's hurried glance. Vlad and Magenta were nowhere to be seen...they had left the bar...to where? I hadda find out fast.