You asked it for it Charley but before the flame wars start - I am only the messenger. From my nephew:
Neither Here Nor There
Issue 107

Feeling Greece-y

I've been watching a lot of Olympics the past few days. Surprise, surprise, some of things I've seen have got me thinking. So today I'd like to share with you a piece that is two-fold in its intentions: first, I'd like to list some of the problems that I have with the Olympics as they currently stand, and, second, I'd like to present some of my ideas for improving the Games. So pour yourself some ouzo and bust out a platter of grape leaves. It's time to brainstorm, Olympic-style. Enjoy.

Problem #1: Beach volleyball: When was Hooters given discretion over the sports chosen for Olympic competition? Sample promo: "Up next, Americans Sandy Crack and Floppy Tailpipe take on the tough Brazilian team of Flamboyenta Cupsize and her one-named teammate Buttocklia. She's the Cher of wedgies."

Problem #2: Synchronized Diving: Two people doing one stupid thing at the same time does not automatically merit inclusion in the world's most important sporting event. If divers feel they need to have more than one person diving at a time, it should be in an event like "slap-fight diving" wherein they bitch slap each other on their way down to the water, or, taking it up a notch, "knife fight diving." You divers want to do little synchronized dance moves, let's go all the way. "West Side Story," here we come!

Problem #3: Steeplechase:
"Okay, check this out. What if, instead of just having people run around the track and jump over hurdles, we. get this. get this. we put puddles in their way too?"

"Hehehehehe! You're crazy, man. You're crazy!"

"No, seriously, like, it's hard to run, right? And it's hard to jump? But it's harder to run and jump when your shoes are wet!"

"Woah."

"Yeah, woah."

"Pass that weed."

Problem #4: Handball: My problem with this sport is two-fold. One, it's not really handball. The handball I know (the American kind! Woooo! U-S-A! U-S-A!) is played by sweaty old men and over-aggressive teenagers, who run around slapping a ball against a concrete wall with their hands. American handball's rules are loosely based on racquetball and the sport appears to have been developed by people who were too busted ass broke to afford any of the racquet sports. Which leads to problem number two: basically this sport is just idiot soccer. People run around on a court, trying to throw a ball in a goal. Lacrosse without sticks, soccer without feet, basketball with an enormous net, whatever you want to call it, I call it stupid. Also, Iceland is really good at this sport. And anytime you see the words "Iceland" and "powerhouse" without reference to Bjork, you've got yourself a problem.

So that's a brief look at what's wrong. "But Chris," I know you're saying, "you're really not a negative person, so don't you have some ideas to make the Olympics more entertaining and, in all likelihood, improve worldwide viewership?"

It's like you read my mind.

Addition #1: Wife Carrying: I actually participated in a wife carrying contest while I was in Poland last month. And let me tell you, that is a serious sport. You can keep your shot puts and your hundred yard dashes, real athletes run up hills with a woman tossed over their shoulder. By the way, my team finished a respectable fifth out of nine. Plus, no women were dropped on their heads. But they could have been. It's that kind of tension that will rope in the audience.

Addition #2: Bartending: I've thought this should be in the Olympics ever since I saw Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown flinging those vodka bottles around in the 1988 hit movie "Cocktail." Listen up divers, because this is a sport that screams for synchronization.

Addition #3: Break Dancing: And, by 2012, synchronized break dancing.

Addition #4: Karaoke: Judging by the attendance I've seen at some of the events so far (I guess someone forgot to tell Greece that soccer is the world's most popular sport. There were more people in my bathroom on Saturday than at the Argentina/Tunisia match), the Olympics could use a shot in the arm. And what is more popular around the world right now than American Idol? The world needs to see more Pakistani women going for the gold, belting out "Wind Beneath My Wings." There won't be a dry eye in the collective house.

Addition #5: Regular Olympics vs. Special Olympics: Now, just hold on. Hear me out before you launch the hate mail. Here's my idea. Hold the Olympics and the Special Olympics at the same time. Then, match the winners from each respective event in a Champion vs. Champion format. We live for feel good stories, and just by the law of averages, eventually a retarded competitor is going to win something. Won't matter what it is, 100 meter dash, doubles table tennis, fencing, anything. That victory is going to be the feel good story of the millennium, and that kid will be bigger than Chris Burke. It's about time the Down Syndrome set had its own Mary Lou Retton.

Addition #6: Flaming Torch Relays: The Olympics officially begin when a flaming torch has made its way around the world and arrives at the site of the opening ceremonies. Track and field relay teams have to carry a baton around while they race. Why not combine the two? Make all the relay squads carry a large flaming stick as they race their way to Olympic glory. The fiery crashes alone would rope in the all-important NASCAR demographic that avoids the Olympics even more passionately than they avoid learning to read.

Addition #7: More people with cancer: Nothing tugs at the heartstrings like an athlete struggling with a relative's illness. You want ratings, get Dick Enberg in a studio with a roomful of crying discus tossers, lamenting the deteriorating condition of their sister, mother or cousin. American speed skater Dan Jansen was the master of this little chestnut. For a large portion of my life, I thought the death of a Jansen family member was a scheduled part of the opening ceremonies of the Winter Games.

Addition #8: Pay-per-view urine testing: Finally, a way to cash in on the growing steroid scandal. There are enough pee fetishist sickos out there for the International Olympic Committee to make a mint with this idea alone.

Addition #9: The Emperor of the Olympics: During the four years leading up to the next Games, a gigantic raffle would be held. People from all over the world would buy tickets and a lottery style drawing would be held to determine one lucky winner who would be given the title "Emperor of the Olympic Games." This "emperor" would dress in a toga and olive branch crown and preside over all of the competitions. Once the losers had been determined, the emperor would then have the ability, like Joaquin Phoenix in "Gladiator," to determine who lives and who dies. Thumbs up, the Moldovan women's soccer team lives to play another day. Thumbs down, a Croatian pentathlete gets thrown to the lions. Obviously, this position would come with a lot of responsibility, so all raffle entrants would have to be 18 or over.

That's the extent of my gripes and ideas for now. But we're only on day three of the Games. Until next time, if you need me, I'll be on my couch, with a beer in each hand, practicing for another event I'd like to see: synchronized Bud chugging.

More later
Sullivan