The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #59418 Message #1259607
Posted By: Rapparee
29-Aug-04 - 09:49 PM
Thread Name: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Accordions: The Secret Life Form That Threatens Earth!!
Special to MOAB, August 29, 2004:
Information obtained from the Department of Homeland Security and the Justice Department via FOIA applications and from the Department of Defense from an Unnamed, But Authoritative Source, clearly demonstrated today the threat posed to life on Earth by accordions.
According to the Defense Information Agency and the National Science Foundation, accordions are not the harmless creatures they pretend to be.
Many cases of insanity in those unfortunate enough to hear the horrifying cries of the accordion. Even the accordion's gentle mating call, usually identified as "Lady of Spain," has been known to drive humans insane. These calls are especially deadly when heard over and over and over and over and over, as when an accordion is learning to "play" a human.
No species of accordion is safe, according to Britain's MI5. Even the small "button box" poses dire threats to the person of anyone "squeezing" it. Ties, shirts, bras, and even large chunks of flesh have been ripped away by accordions, according to the National Safety Council. Harry Neuhardt, Vice President For Unearthly Threats at the Council, flatly states "Just kill 'em before the accordions can kill again. A flamethrower is usually sufficient."
Until everyone is armed with a flamethrower, some common sense rules should be followed:
1. Never play the accordion and drive.
2. Never get close enough to an accordion for it to attack. Better, never get close to an accordion.
3. If you find yourself with an accordion in your hands, swing it wildly around your head while yelling "Cordy! Cordy!" as loud as you can so that others will be warned. Then fling it as hard and as far as possible. Get medical help immediately.
4. Always go in groups in accordion territory. And always go armed.
5. Always have a designated banjoist with you.
6. If you see an accordion, strike first.