ASHCROFT NAMED AMBASSADOR TO MARS
Leaves Justice Department After Justice Department Vanishes

by Andy Borowitz

Moments after resigning his post at the Justice Department, Attorney General John Ashcroft was tapped for another big job in the Bush administration, being named the United States' first-ever ambassador to Mars.

"I can think of no one better suited to being ambassador to Mars than John Ashcroft," said President Bush in a brief statement. "He has been preparing for this job for his entire life."

Mr. Ashcroft said that he was motivated in part to resign from the Justice Department because the Justice Department no longer existed.

The Department, which had been gradually disappearing over the past three and a half years, completely vanished over the weekend, Mr. Ashcroft said.

"Once I saw that the Justice Department was, in fact, no longer there, I said to myself, 'Mission accomplished,'" Mr. Ashcroft told reporters.

In Washington, speculation ran rampant that Mr. Ashcroft's lightning-rod status had motivated the White House to shift him to a role where he could do little damage, serving as ambassador to a presumptively unpopulated planet.

But Mr. Ashcroft quickly dispelled all such talk, telling reporters that he had ambitious plans to turn Mars into a penal colony "that will be the envy of the solar system."

One White House aide, on condition of anonymity, had this to say about Mr. Ashcroft's new posting: "At least when John's on Mars we won't be able to hear him sing."

Elsewhere, Teresa Heinz Kerry announced today that she would embark on a three-week tour of the red states, stopping in each state to cuss out random voters.