The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #59418   Message #1323878
Posted By: Bee-dubya-ell
11-Nov-04 - 05:54 PM
Thread Name: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
INSTRUCTIONS FOR PREPARING AND EATING "MEAL READY-TO-EAT" ("MRE")

Option #1: Open the package containing the MRE. Find the package containing M&Ms, Skittles or Tootsie Rolls. Eat the candy and throw the rest of the shit away.

Option #2: Open the package containing the MRE. Find the plastic pouches containing stuff that looks like it should be served hot. If you have access to a stove or microwave oven, throw the MRE crap away and cook something else. If you do not have access to a microwave oven, open the ingenious MRE cooking pouch, stuff whatever you want heated into the pouch (it is not recommended that you heat M&Ms, Skittles or Tootsie Rolls) and fill pouch with water. The water will activate the magic crystals in the cooking pouch which will produce HEAT! After about five minutes the contents of the pouch will be HOT! Remove the pouch. Open it and taste the contents using your olive drab MRE plastic eating spoon. Allow the contents to cool for about ten minutes. Feed contents to your cat or dog.

Option #3: Open the package containing the MRE. Find the plastic pouch containing stuff whose description includes the word "bread" or "cake". Imagine that you and your partner are Frodo and Sam on the way to Mount Doom and that the stuff is really Lembas. Taste the stuff and spit it out when you realize it tastes more like Orc bile.

Option #4: Open the package containing the MRE. Find the plastic pouch containing stuff that has the word "beverage" associated with it, as in "Cherry Flavored Beverage Base". Pour ten or twelve ounces of potable water into a cup. Throw the "beverage base" away and drink the water.

Option #5: If you are absolutely starving to death, McDonald's has been flattened by a tornado, the cats have run off in fear of becoming moo-goo-gai-pan, and you just can't find any earthworms, you may actually have to EAT the MRE. In that case, follow instructions in Option #2 above but DON'T feed it to the dog. Instead, find the small bottle of Tabasco sauce included in the little hermetically sealed pouch that also includes matches, salt, pepper and the chewing gum that sticks to your fillings. In fact, you've probably been saving the Tabasco from all the other MRE's you've been feeding to the cat or using for target practice, haven't you? We hope so. Anyway, pour at least one full bottle of Tabasco sauce on the contents of whatever kind of crap was in the pouches you heated up, stir, and eat the resulting mass using your olive drab MRE plastic eating spoon. The objective is to apply Tabasco sauce in sufficient strength that the Tabasco is ALL you can taste. If you are able to taste anything other than Tabasco, add more Tabasco.

WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, eat anything found in any pouch contained in an MRE if that item has the word "cheese" associated with it in any way.