(Spoken from the passenger seat to the driver, when approaching a female hitchiker): "Don't stop, she's uglier than death taking a sh*t"

"Crazier than a sh*thouse rat."

"That woman was so tall, she could stand flatfooted and p*ss in the radiator of a Chevy pickup." (This goes back to when trucks had radiator caps on the outside of the hoods (bonnets for you brits))

"I was trembling like a dog sh*tting a log chain and dreading the hook."

"I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in you and then stomp it dry."

The last three are from a collection in one of the late H. Allen Smith's books, but I can't remember which one.