Way back THEN Dave Bryant requested this and nothing was ever posted so here we are - Miles Wootton wrote it and I just acquired a tape of Arky's Toast singing it.

We've got a new landlord in our village pub
And of him we are not very fond,
And one of these days, if he don't mend his ways,
He'll end up one dark night in the pond.
He's put up "oak" beams where no beams ever was,
And he's cluttered the place up with brass.
He's got bits of old stables and cartwheels for tables.
He's trying to "give it some class."

He's got saddles and stirrups all over the walls,
And some spurs where you hang up your coats;
And you sit down to dine with a nosebag of wine
Through a door that's marked "Fodder and Oats".
He brews Huntsman's Punch and serves Dick Turpin's Lunch
Which consists of a pint and a sandwich,
And the reason he says that he barred Dick and Ted
Is because he don't hold with bad language.

There's a door that's marked "Fillies" that makes them look sillies
Because of the period bolts.
Which frequently stick if they don't know the trick
And they have to climb out through the "Colts."
It's an Eighteenth Century Coaching Inn
Says the signpost that marks the approaches,
But the last sign of all is hung up on the wall
And that one says "Sorry No Coaches!"