Pete, there are so many layers to racism, so many ways it's a blot on our societies, so many places it's gotten stuck to each and every one of us. Cleaning it up is messy, painful, and grim work most of the time.

I often find that people of good heart get into a wrangle about whether something is or is not racist-- the stuck spot tends to sound something like this:

"You said/did a bad thing, you're being racist!" (This is well meant but actually jackal-talk.)

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone, how can I be racist if that's not at all what I meant??????!!!" (This of course is a defensive protest at a perceived attack.)


When I hear this kind of exhange, MY translation often is:

"What you said/did hurt me and I know it's the kind of thing that has hurt others." (This is heart-talk.)

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone, and that's not what at all what I meant-- help me see how to keep from causing harm." (More heart-talk.)


I found your joke painful, and I didn't know what to do or say about it. (I usually PM in hopes of discovering a relationship that will stand the messy stuff.) What your post did was restore heart-talk, to use shorthand. You yielded when many people shoot back (defensively). It has made a difference in a situation I'm not at liberty to describe, and it felt GOOD.

~Susan