Those social work services were not for me alone. They were for my husband, primarily, as he is the one legally allowed to work here and physically capable of it when his ADD is managed. And the resources that were dug up WILL be used - by my husband, the person they were originally for. My willingness to go "through with it" depends on him.

(WYSIWYG - I'm sorry that you have a huge phone bill trying to help me to help him, but those resources will be used. You can send him a bill for it if you want, I'll pm you the address if you request it, and would have requested your email information for him to contact you about this if you hadn't stopped replying to my PMs.)

Leaving is not my choice. And I have told WYSIWYG that, as well. She assumed that it was my choice and stopped replying to my PMs. She obviously stopped reading them as well.

It is his choice. Because he would rather drop me off at the border to go live in a shelter than get a part-time job for 3 months to deal with immigration so that I can get a part-time job here too and we can get an apartment and not live at his parents place. Because I am not worth it to him because I am sick too often and he can't deal with that. Because he treats me like an invalid even when I'm telling him I'm ok and can do things today, and then doesn't bother to check on me when I've been in bed for hours sick and without food.

I've been trying to illegally get contract work while here so that I can earn money to stay with him... and he won't even get a part-time job.

He plays computer games all day while he is *physically* capable of holding down a full-time job, while I am studying more web design techniques to make myself more employable and trying to get contracts.

His ADD prevents him from being able to concentrate enough for a full-time job. So what? So get a part-time job within your limits and do SOMETHING, especially since his parents are willing to support us through the immigration process! I'm trying to do something. (Unfortunately I didn't find any contracts, too many people want full-featured shopping cart software for $25 when it would cost me thousands of hours to make something like that and I'd need more software to do it since I can't hand-code it yet.)

He says that it is too draining to take care of me when I'm sick. But I'm not always the same grade of sick, sometimes I'm quite capable of things. He doesn't have to treat me like an invalid except when my legs don't work right (once a month). Even when I have a headache I can still walk, I can still fix myself a can of soup or something, while shading my eyes against the light.

My legs do not affect my brain. It is not difficult to use a laptop computer in bed. When the light hurts my eyes I turn the brightness down, or I turn it off when it gets too bad. I have always been articulate. Posting on a forum has nothing to do with the health of my legs unless the computer is in another room when I get that sick. (Which, again, is once a month and I don't ever really know when it'll happen because I've never been regular.)

I don't need the ER, as what I have is chronic, not emergency. I need a regular doctor, which I cannot have in this country. I also need someone to drive me to the doctor because when I'm not sick the doctors tend to believe that I'm not sick at all. It's only when they see me sick that they believe me and actually order tests.

I can't afford a cab on welfare, I certainly can't afford an ambulance on welfare, I can't afford non-covered treatments (that work!) on welfare, I can barely afford RENT on welfare. My mother never took me to the doctor for reasons that were valid to her.

I LIKED working as a dishwasher. I liked WORKING. I am allergic to chemicals and smoke (of all kinds, not just cigarette smoke), and was forced to leave the job because it made me sick. Believe what you will. Choose not to believe the doctors who actually ordered tests, and choose to believe the doctors who did not order tests and merely told me (and my mother, who I inherited these conditions from) that it was all in my head and I just needed to get a job. I HAD a job. I liked it, I was good at it, it left me room to think about creative things while working, the boss and coworkers were pleased with my performance... and I had to leave it.

I am not choosing to leave Steve. I have told Susan this and she is ignoring it for whatever reason. I have, over and over, decided to stay. I have, over and over, tried to help him to find what he's capable of doing in order that we can be together and that he will have a good life even if we can't be together. It is his choice that I leave.

It is not his choice to leave me at the border but considering past attitudes from border guards I doubt they would let him through even to drop me off at a shelter, for fear that he'd be trying to illegaly immigrate to Canada. (Especially with all the Bush-dodgers trying to get across.)

The parents have been much more supportive lately, and think that Steve married me and that we should work it out. They also think that he's going to have to do what's best for him. He's decided that what's best for him is for me to not be in his life.

I did not give up. My instinct is to stay... but what can I do when he wants me to leave?