One we invented last night (at a very serious concert I may add....) Describing the melodeon player who bore more than a passing resemblence to Marty Feldman -

He is so far up the wall he could be a light fitting....

Did you have to train to be so ugly, or does it come naturally?

Have you finished kissing me? The dog wants its tongue back.

When you learnt to kiss, did the dog ever complain??

He kisses like a puppy sucking at a bitch's tit.

LTS