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THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
"Bob & Doug McKenzie" (actually Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas)

(B: Bob D: Doug C: Chorus)

B: OK, g'day. This is our Christmas part of the album. You can play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothin' else to do.
D: G'day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part.
B: Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on. OK, so good day. This is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get...um...your true love for Christmas.
D: Look out the window!
B: Where? (Chuckle) What are ya doin'?
D: Snow, hosehead!
B: Well, oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing 'cause it's Christmas time. Hey, hoser!
D: What?
B: Here's a quiz. (Chuckle) Quiz for Doug.
D: OK, I have my "thinking tuque" on.
B: Yeah, right. What are the "Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause, figure it out, right? Christmas is when?
D: Um, the twenty-fifth.
B: Right. And, what's the twenty-fourth? Christmas Eve, right? So...
D: That's two
B: That's two. And, then what's after that? (Pause) Boxing Day.
D: Wrestling Day.
B: Wrestl...get out!
D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
B: That's three. Then, what's after that? Nothin'!
D: New Year's!
B: Four and what's....
D: New Year's Eve?
B: That's five. Where do ya get twelve?
D: Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that's four. So, that's nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days.
(Music starts)
B: OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don't know what to get someone for Christmas.
D: There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck! (Organ starts) By the way, that's ME on the organ.
B: Oh, geez.
D: You start.
B: OK.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A beer.

D: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Two turtlenecks,
B: And a beer.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Three French toast,
D: Two turtlenecks,
B: And a beer.
D: There should be more there, eh?
B: Where? Oh, go!

D: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Four pounds of back-bacon,
B: Three French toast,
D: Two turtlenecks,
B: And a beer.
D: ...in a tree. See, you need more.

B: Oh...fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Five golden tuques,
D: Four pound of back-bacon,
B: Three French toast,
D: Two turtlenecks,
B: And a beer...where?
D: (with Bob) In a tree.

B: OK, on the sixth...oo, go!
D: ...Christmas, my true love gave to me,
C: Six....
D: Six packs of two-four,
B & C: Five golden tuques,
C: Four....
D: Four pounds of back-bacon,
C: Three....
B: Three French toast,
C: Two....
D: Two turtlenecks,
C: And a beeeeeeeeer.
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. OK.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Seven pack of smokes,
C: Nice gift!
D: Nice gift. Oh...six packs of two-four,
B & C: Five golden tuques.
C: Four....
D: Four pounds of back-bacon,
C: Three....
B: Three French toast,
C: Two....
D: Two turtlenecks,
C: And a beeeeeeeeer....
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. Keep forgetting.
D: Whew! This should just be the "Two Days of Christmas"; it's too hard for us! Go, hoser.

B & D: On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
D: Eight comic books,
(Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)
B & D: Seven packs of smokes,
Six pack of two-four,
B: Five....
C: (catches up) Five golden tuques,
Four pounds of back-bacon,
Three French toast,
Two turtlenecks,
ALL: And a beer.
B & D: On my tree.
B: Yeah, that beer is empty. OK, day, um....
C: TWELVE!
B: Twelve!
D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve....
(Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in)
ALL: Five golden tuques,
Four pounds of back-bacon,
Three French toast,
Two turtlenecks,
And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
D: Where'd you learn to do that?
B: Um, albums.
D: So, like, that's our song. Merry Christmas.
B: Merry Christmas!
D: And good day!
B: Good day! Ha-happy New Year, too.
D: Shhh!
B: OK, you know what you left out?
D: What?
B: Donuts!
D: Oh, no!
B: I told you to get donuts. Either on the ninth day, or the tenth day or the eleventh day, but I want donuts!
D: OK, the song's over! Merry Christmas, everybody!
B: ...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts.
D: So, go out to the stores and get some presents!
B: You could've gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a dozen, you get another one free, and then it'd be thirteen for the "Thirteen Days of Christmas"!
D: Next Christmas, you can get me a chain saw!
B: Take off!
(As music fades:)
D: Boy, that song was a beauty. It...it moved me.
B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven."
D: What?