On Men: So waddaya want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?

Ah well, dead birds don't fall out of nests (referring to open trouser flies....)

He's a real Action Man (can substitute GI Joe) - realistic hair and no genitals.

On me: I just want the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Let's not talk about being overweight, until I finish having too much to eat.

I'm not bad tempered or violent, and if anyone says I am, I'll flatten them!

On arseholes: (For an office toady - cribbed from 'Red Dwarf') So is it the full church do or just a simple ceremony for you two then?

Oh, it's just like a willy but smaller.

On looks: A face like an arsehole with teeth - also heard as 'when God gave you teeth, he ruined a perfectly good arsehole!

Face like a slapped arse.

Arse like a slapped face.... for those less than pert buttocks....

Looks like a double bagger to me.... one for her head and one for your head, in case hers falls off....

A bit R.A.F. Rough as F&%k. A person of less than attractive visage.

Who needs a six pack when I've got an entire barrel?

Is it time for my medication or yours?



I'm the only sane one here, and I've the certificate to prove it!

LTS