I collect phrases. some I use -- some are just internalized.

When I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Earth is full. Go home.

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

Meandering to a different drummer.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?



In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
Friedrich Nietzsche

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Hubert H. Humphrey

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

Being intelligent is not a felony, but most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.
and
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
and
Money is the sincerest of all flattery. Women love to be flattered. So do men.
and
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
and
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
LAZARUS LONG. by Robert Anson Heinlein

Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.
Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin

To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.
W. S. Gilbert

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Ambrose Bierce

I feel there is an angel in me whom I am constantly shocking.
Jean Cocteau

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny . . .
Isaac Asimov

Adding to one's body of knowledge is ultimately what matters, the better to voice your own imagination.
Chris Dixon

awwww, did Daddy take your T-Bird away?

so many words, but one of my all time favorites is a Yiddish saying,

You can't grow corn on the ceiling.

later,
ev.

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however some electrons were terribly inconvenienced