This is all the verses we know in our family, as we used to sing them in Grandad's car, on the way to the seaside ...

YOU'LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN

Oh, you'll never get to heaven (Oh, you'll never get to heaven)
On roller skates. (On roller skates.)
You'll roll right by (You'll roll right by)
Those pearly gates. (Those pearly gates.)

Oh, you'll never get to heaven on roller skates.
You'll roll right by those pearly gates.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.


You'll never get to heaven on a rocket ship
'Cause the rocket ship won't make that trip.

You'll never get to heaven with powder and paint
'Cause the Lord don't want you as you ain't.

You'll never get to heaven in a limousine
'Cause the Lord don't sell no gasoline.

You'll never get to heaven in dirty jeans,
'Cos the Lord don't have no washing machines.

You'll never get to heaven on a playtex bra,
'Cos a playtex bra won't stretch that far.

You'll never get to heaven in a rocking chair,
'Cos the Lord He keeps no idlers there.

You'll never get to heaven on a bottle of gin,
'Cos the Lord won't let no drunkards in.

You'll never get to heaven on a bottle of stout,
'Cos the Lord he throws all drunkards out.

You'll never get to heaven if you're newly wed
Cause the Lord ain't got no double bed!

You'll never get to heaven on a ping pong ball
'Cos a ping pong ball is far too small!

You'll never get to Heaven in Grandad's car
'Cos Grandad's car won't get that far!

You'll never get to Heaven with a dog as a pet
'Cos the Lord ain't got no lamp posts yet!

You'll never get to heaven in a jumbo jet
'Cos the Lord ain't got no runways yet!

You'll never get to heaven in a bottle of gin
'Cos the Lord won't let no spirits in!

You'll never get to heaven in a bottle of whisky
'Cos the Lord don't like his angels frisky!

Oh you'll never get to heaven in a baked bean tin
'Cos a baked bean tin 'sgot baked beans in!

Well you can't get to heaven, in my Dad's' boat,
Cause my Dad's boat won't even float.

Well you can't get to heaven in a limousine,
Cause the Lord don't sell no gasoline.

Well you can't get to heaven on Steven's bike,
Cause you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike.

Well you can't get to heaven in a Ford Coupe
Cause the angels all drive Chevrolet

Well you can't get to heaven in Wendy's pants,
Cause Wendy's pants are full of ants.

Well you can't get to heaven, on water skis,
Cause the angels don't like hairy knees.

Oh you can't get to heaven in a strapless gown,
'cos a strapless gown might fall right down.

You'll never get to heaven with a fat Girl Guide,
'cos the Pearly gates ain't built that wide.

Oh you can't chew tobacco on the golden shore,
'cos the Lord don't have no cuspidor.

Oh you'll never get to heaven in a biscuit tin
'cos the bottom falls out and the top falls in.

Oh one fine day, and it won't be long,
You'll look for me, and I'll be gone.

Oh, you'll never get to heaven on a pair of skis
'Cause you'll schuss right through St. Peter's knees.

If you should get to heaven before I do,
Just bore a hole and pull me through.

If I should get to heaven before you do,
I'll plug that hole with shavings and glue.

That's all there is, there is no more
St Peter said, as he shut the door

Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell,
If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to...bed